The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and GodĪre down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Sure enough, he heard: "One for you, one for me. He thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. Severalĭropped and rolled down toward the fence.Īnother boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. & sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.ĭo not argue with an idiot. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.) ( A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. "Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Do you still need a push?" yells the husband. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" The husband does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, we received help from a stranger? I think you should help him out. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!" "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.Ī man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. "Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted." "Well," he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock." The husband didn't seem disturbed at all, her plan had worked! "Oh, right around midnight," she replied. That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, obviously hungover, and asked, "So. She smiles to herself, proud that she'd come up with such a clever solution on the spot. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she's quite proud of herself for being so stealthy. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home. Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. A wife goes out for a night with the girls, telling her husband she'll be home around midnight.
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